I feel there is an intrinsic connection between the interactions we have with our parents and the resulting personas or loyal soldiers that come forward for us as their children. These loyal soldiers push us to do better, try harder all in an effort to please our parents… to gain their affection, love and attention.
Interestingly I always believed the voices of my inner critic and judge were loudest when I was vying for attention from the parent with whom my relationship wasn’t as good. It felt like the approval, praise, and love was just out of reach. So I would work harder, push myself further in an effort to say “Here! Look at me! Did you see what I did!?”
A recent experience and with the help of my dear friend Loretta I realized this wasn’t true for me. The voices of the critic and judge are infinitely louder with the parent I have the better connection with. However, I’d become so accustomed to it I never though anything of it. It became a blind spot for me.
During a recent conversation I was being asked a number of questions. It was intriguing to observe that I felt like I was being interrogated. I could feel the somatic responses to what was happening. The anger building, the tension in my whole body rising and all because of how I chose to receive the questions. I received them as a criticism, that I wasn’t good enough. My loyal soldiers were doing a magnificent job of amplifying that.
A drill-sergeant-esque barking I need to do MORE, I need to be BETTER and need to try HARDER. Except with time this had become so commonplace that the Lions Roar had turned into a whisper, yet it had lost none of its potency. However, this time was different… this time I heard it for what it was.
After some reflection it’s become easy for me to see how this can happen with the parent I have a better connection with. My reaction had nothing to do with my parent, this had only to do with my and how I’ve programmed myself over the years. Whether it was conscious or unconscious decision on my part is not important. What is important is that it was my decision.
Receiving that experience the way I did did a wonderful job of disconnecting me from the normal space I operate from. The lesson for me being I have to take responsibility for this. It’s easy to blame my parent for my reaction but it was MY reaction leading me to be disconnected, not theirs. I was the one that was allowing it to affect my space the way it did.
Of course our parents can have an impact on that by how they speak to us, how they push us etc. But we have an equally if not more important part to play. How do we choose to receive it? As children we often had very little choice. As adults the paradigm shifts. It can be a difficult programming to let go of… for both sides.
It’s true there’s no one that can trigger us like our family and loved ones. To quote Eckhart Tolle he says, “If you think you’re spiritually enlightened, spend a week with your family.”
The title of parent/child will always exist. However, as with all things the relationship shifts with time. The title remains but that doesn’t mean the “hierarchy” has to. It can be challenging to move from the roll of parent and child to one of perhaps peers or equals. To say the least a tremendous amount of openness and flexibility is required from both parties for this to happen. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Letting go of these rolls that we’ve played for decades can be a tricky thing and that’s putting it mildly.
However, I’m finding the mere awareness of that reaction and that voice is key to a huge step forward. And regardless of how the relationships with my parents continue to evolve, bringing that awareness with me as I continue to share my life with two of the people I love most in this world.